Sunday, October 20, 2013

October 15, 2013...

I turned 24.  Just yesterday I thought about my time at 23 and it's definitely one of my more memorable years, for the plain fact I was aware of how old I was.  In the past I've never felt my age, 17 was a blur, 20 I was distracted by school but 23 I think I'll just remember for what happened at that age.

Mariah wore that jersey better than Mike

I failed, a lot.  Not by my own doings but I tried, a lot.  Getting jobs, keeping jobs, staying humble, being a better person and things didn't really go my way.  But again, I tried.  It was a down year chasing tail, like I didn't swore of women but shit I didn't even try in that department.  Too focused on money and on a good well being.  I really tried to live like rap lyrics "money on my mind, get money fuck bitches, $$$ > pussy" all that junk.  I didn't miss it necessarily (like I was getting any in the past) but it was a necessity.  23 was definitely a year of need > want.  I needed to work my butt off to show people what I had to offer and what I could do. I needed to take dirt jobs to keep myself out of the red.  I joked and said I stripped or sold my body to science just to keep the humor through the misery.  And love?  I stopped believing in that when Amy Duncan cheated on her husband who won the NBA championship four times.  I'll admit this, I've seen a lot folks downgrading.  Like I see some of these girls boyfriends and say to myself: "HIM?  That's the guy you're getting naked with?  You can do better."  Meanwhile, sitting on the pine, waiting for the call guys ie. the friendzone dudes are probably better human beings then whoever you have now.  And it's happening to guys too!  Guys are downgrading just to be with someone.  Because there's nothing else on the menu.  These chicks look like the girls scamming dudes on Catfish; the heavyweights, the "calling her cute, would be mean" kinda girls.  2013 chicks.  

Yeah I've been miserable but you know, that's what happens when you try and don't succeed.  So I'm more unfortunate.  Shit becomes scressful bruh. And it becomes scary, all this attempts falling flat, you look around and say like can a get catch one?  Just one?  The thing is not to show the misery, that's why I stay silent or talk about soft news.  That's why most of the blog post are about media/soft news, I don't want to talk about myself and what's going on.  It'll become boring, fairly quick.  But I did touch on a few things in the news, talk / tweet about things, current events that I shared an opinion and people seem to like it.  I assume, no one tells me shit.  Except around six people, five from the sole internship I got this year from the numerous emails I sent out on a daily.  One from someone I barely talked to in the past on a random Facebook message.  Lie, seven.  An old co-worker told me to keep up writing.

I think my writing has gotten better.  I'm writing this now starting at 11:35 and haven't stopped.  It's an exercise most writers do just to express themselves and let their creative juices flow.  It's kinda like running from point a to point b without stopping.  Just keep going, don't stop, don't erase, just keep writing down what's on your mind.  I would say I've written some really good stuff I think people overlooked.  I have a bigger audience on Facebook than I do Twitter but at the same time I shit on people on Facebook too much.  In fact a lot, mainly because they/you (depending on where you see this first) do/say stupid things.  I'm secretly judging them as I feel I'm being judged with each three line email I send out that gets passed over by these ad agencies.  We all judge each other, people want haters to judge them and they want to have a IDGAF attitude which is dumb.  Because you DO give a fuck, you wouldn't do certain things if a fuck wasn't given while doing it.  If you do things with that attitude and no one replies to it, do you continue to do it or does someone have acknowledge it for you to continue?  I mentioned some of this in the past and they were one of the most disappointing things this year.

I thought when I wrote about the Boston bombing it was the realist shit I ever wrote but I think this one might take the cake.  Even though everything I said in that one was from the heart, this one feels more authentic because I'm still typing as Sportscentre plays in the background.  People still have no chill and don' really think before they do things.  An Asian trainer who I'm pretty good friends with, made an event and referred to folks as niggas.  I didn't say anything but that shit ain't cool and I thought of all people, he would know better.  Friend of mine turned into a dominatrix and did some real questionable things for income, I love her as a friend but I'd be lying if I said I'm okay with it.  Had an attraction to her for awhile but after that 3 hour conversation we had that August afternoon, that attraction was gone as I walked back to hot dog stand at the corner.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit jealous of my college colleagues.  The vacay pics, the dates to restaurants, the numerous shots from a Blue Jays game, the shots for conference but shit that's life.  In post- college life, some make it some don't.  I know some that gave up or just stopped being active.  I did have a tipping point about two weeks ago when I was sending out emails where I said: fuck it.  I deleted the three lines of predetermined gibberish I usually send to sound professional for the job and just spoke that realness.  I know these places / agencies hang on to the same writer for 5+ years, same person they see every day, wearing that same old shirt from Old Navy, who you hear the same stories from, that drink beer, listens to Stones, Tiesto and Lil Wayne and cheers for the Leafs or the Habs (you always meet a Habs fan).  That's why all these places look for someone with that much experience, juggling five accounts between two writers.  Freelance you say?  Shit, Indeed posts very little outside of resume writing, Vitamin T barely has any work in Toronto and interning three times makes you limit what you can/can't have in your book.  Yet they want 5 years exp?  Yeah, right.

I am not trying to be average.  There's no way I want to be average.  I'm trying to take that step into the highest of highs, no deluxe department but a better living.  I'm tired of struggling, memorizing what's in my bank account to know how much I can take out at the start of that week.  I want to eat steak two times a week, buy lunch everyday, go on a vacation and not feel like I went over budget when I get back.  Hell, I wanna get out of Toronto.  I wanna go somewhere, see things I haven't seen before, eat something different.  It's too much of the same everywhere I go.

Didn't see a lot of my friends this year which has to change.  one thing i always do with them is thank Thor that none of us have kids.  Kids are terrible to have before the age of 25.  There's no way someone said, I'm happy having this child in my second year of college.  Remember when folks were terrified, miserable and legit devastated when they found out they were going to be a mother/going to be a father?  What happen to those days?  I always remember a call I got from an old old friend cheering when he found out he wasn't the father to this chick.  Cheering!  I cheer every time I found out none of us have kids, one of them got engaged and I wish him the best, told none of us but he must be a lost one now.

I call him a lost one because he's moved on and when you move, you leave some things behind.  Only way I can get to where I want to is leaving people behind.  You have to, people change, priorities change and it's very rare that you'll have that same core of friends for more for a certain amount of years.  This isn't Boy Meets World or Saved By The Bell.  Even Lisa and Jessie left when college came.  I also learned at age 23, some traditions won't last.  For about five years, I used to sent a long birthday message to this one person and that's usually when we would rekindle and this year, it stopped.  They changed their number and resent a shorten version of it and it wasn't accepted the way I thought it did.  Those five years prior seemed lost.

Maybe I haven't figured it out yet.  There's always that group that make it and the group that doesn't, currently I'm speaking from that group that didn't make it.  I never asked for a hand out, never turned down advice.  But I'm sure I'm one of the few that are actively trying to get to the group, that group of success.  I just have to stay humble and stay active.  Maybe step on a few toes on my way there, it's similar to the road but it might turn into Burnout if things don't go accordingly.  Let's see if 24 is more memorable than 23.

Oh and don't HBD.  HBD is fucking lazy.  Just copy and paste what someone else said or don't say anything at all.