Thursday, May 30, 2013

Most Insecure Girlfriend Song of All Time


Riskay's Smell Yo Dick.  You know when you're girl thinks you're creepin' on the low?  If she asks if she can smell your dick.  Because I think all men know is that there is a distinct smell to one's junk when they've had sex and if your girl swallows (like a good girlfriend should) she's quite aware of the smell too.  She becomes suspicious if you're coming late at night, not answering your phone/not texting back etc.

Instead of doing the logical thing like asking their boyfriend bluntly if they're cheating or following him around in the shadows in different disguises, they ask to smell his dick.  And it makes sense, never said it was smart, but it's clear there's some issues within the relationship that need to be taken care of.  Communication is key for a successful relationship but I don't want to get involved in those relations questions.  Next thing you know talks of $200 dates, sharing passwords and sucking on toes or eating... I'll stop.  Best part is the rap from the boyfriend.

BONUS: Over at Funny or Die, comedy duo Nancy & Beth (Stephanie Hunt and Megan Mullally) perform the song live at the Largo Theatre back in February featuring Mullally's break dancing husband, Nick Offerman taking care of the rapping portion of the boyfriend.  They are honestly the best couple out there today, no objections, no questions about it.

Monday, May 27, 2013

A Look Back at The Fight: Zack vs. Slater

Possibly the greatest, most shocking thing that happen on network television in the 90's had nothing to do with politics or a championship game but a fight.  Not even the OJ Simpson/White Bronco police chase can measure,  not Bill Clinton's "I did not have sexual relations with that woman", not even Magic Johnson announcing his retirement due to HIV.  It was on September 12th, 1992.  Zack Morris and A.C. Slater land fists upon each other.  The episode was simply titled, The Fight.

Editor's Note: I'm writing most of this off of memory.  When it comes to TV episodes I love, my memory is really really good.  It was also a bitch just to find a working link until I found one the other morning of this being posted.
Let's get the B side story out of the way first.  Lisa is attracted to a guy, turns out he's a freshman which is so faux paus.  A senior going out with a freshman will have everyone talking about it because in the 90's you can't date anyone younger than you.  Lisa ends up going to dance with him, some life lesson and he's never seen again.  And something about Mr. Belding trying to look younger so he wears a mullet wig.

Now let's carve into this meat of an A story.  A new girl whose name I choose not to look up let's call her, Victoria Justice.  I learned a long time ago sometimes the females from the 90's don't age well, here's exhibit A, your honour.  Anyways, Victoria Justice is minding her own business at her locker when unbeknownst to her, the kang of dirty mackin' is already on the prowl: Zack Morris.

You can go back to any episode of SBTB when Zack wasn't smanging Kelly and see some of the dirty macking tactics Zack would show.  Taking different girls TO THE SAME MOVIE just so he can handpick one to make Kelly jealous, dating a homeless girl from the mall because he was sympathetic to the poor, using subliminal messages to brainwash girls and there's loads more.  Zack makes an impression and puts her on his smang list, meanwhile when he's "late" for class, Slater meets Justice and they hit it off.

Slater, the realest G in all of Bayside, had his priorities straight from the beginning: he wrestled, he liked girls and occasionally showed off his dance moves.  He kept the forever irritating Jessie in line too, simply by referring to her as "mama."  This scene from season one demonstrates what A.C. Slater is all about.  Throughout his tenure at Bayside, he delivered lines like a pro, in this episode Slater says: Hey babe sorry, there's so much Slater to go around.  There's so much purple swag in that line and let's not even start with the shirt.

Now Slater may have been the realest in the halls of Bayside but he was the biggest cockblocker too.  In that first season, he took ever chance he got to break up Zack and that hoe Kelly.  She bust it wide up for Jeff, her manager at the Max and the college professor in college, she was hoeing and you ain't even know it. Slater's cockblocking tactics returned in this episode when those two great minds realized the chick they're both talking about laying down pipe work on is the same girl.  Usher and R.Kelly had a similar dilemma a decade later.

So when Preppy and Jheri Curl both plan to sit by Justice, the revelation that it's the same girl.  In class,  their teacher gives them extra homework because that happens in schools on television.  Never once in my life I heard a teacher giving extra homework to one student or more students, ever.  Zack offers to help her study at his house because of his red beanbag chair and holiday sweaters in September.  Slater offers going to the movies the next day.  Damn Slater.  That dumb jock stereotype is real with you.  Victoria Justice accepts both offers.  While at Zack's house studying, Slater's cockblocking instincts chime in by paying his debt to Zack from a "bet" by vacuuming his room.  Ya see, they can't study with all that noise from the vacuum.  Slater and his Lanny Poffo genius intellect.  Oh and he used a leaf blower.  But A.C. can't out due a dirty mack.  Dirty mack knows all the tricks, left, right, inside and out.  During Slater's movie date, Zack pays some actress to play Slater's mom and gets Screech to play an usher in the movie theatre to play along.  Ya see, Slater's c-blocking (I feel like I've typed the word cock too much already) was free like his cut off hoodie, Zack's cost money to scheme.  That's grade A c-blocking.

Now, the climax.  I'll just let this dialogue speak for itself, I'll chime in here and there.  Slater enters the scene by coming down the stairs like a raging bull.  Zack is at his locker.

Slater: Hey Zack, last night at the movies you went to far.

Zack: Just helped a mother get together with her son what's so wrong about that?

Slater: Wrecking my date with Joanna wasn't funny. (Still prefer Victoria Justice)

Zack: (closes locker) Oh, like it was funny wrecking my study date the night before?

Slater: Hey, you started it by making me look like a jerk at The Max.

Zack: Well that's what you are. (crowd woos) (Crowd wooing in the 90's television was a big thing)

Slater: What did you say?

Zack: You heard me, now get out of my face. (Zack had his hands on his hips then dropped them once he told Slater the business)

Slater: And what if I don't, PUNK? (Slater said punk with an intent of fisticuffs)

Zack: Well I just have to make you, PUNK. (Zack pushes Slater with one hand)

Now, it's an obvious advantage from the start.  Slater is on the wrestling team.  He gave Valley's Marvin Nedick a perfect German suplex, kicked down doors in just a towel in that earthquake episode and he was the quarterback for the football team so the man knows how to take a hit.  Zack now, besides being a runner and being on the basketball team he hasn't done much else that shows athleticism plus he has fragile knees.  Now I'm not gonna give a good ol' JR type commentary but I'll give you my best e-fed commentary I can, it's been awhile.

After a double shove push by Slater, Zack gives Slater a right.  Unfazed, Slater quickly grapples Zack tossing him to the floor as the student body looks on.  As Zack recovers to get off the floor, Slater delivers a right hook that sends Zack back down.  As they wrestle, the crowd grows and the bellows of their female peers to stop the fight reigns.  The fight is broken up by Principal Belding.

This was groundbreaking.  Like this was the first time two of America's favourite TV teenagers have ever gone toe to toe.  After some awful storytelling by Belding, he makes them shake hands or else they'll be suspended.  Timeout, you really think he'd suspend these two teens when he's constantly getting involved in their daily lives?  FOH.  You would think both of these young gawds would go back to their corners and dwell upon the consequences they both went through.  Nope.  They went right back to the mission, Justice.  She's spooked by the season regular warriors, so she denies both of their advances.

At the senior kickoff party (a what?), Zack comes in with a swollen lip denouncing any thought of his foe (Kelly: Zack I'm glad you're here, is Slater coming too?  Zack: Slater who?).  Slater comes in later (I hate that I wrote that) with a black eye wanting to be no where near the blond gawd of dirty macking.  When the young gawds are thirsty, they must drink.  The blond gawd of Cali meets the Mullet from Hawaii at the punch bowl.  I have no idea why I'm speaking like I'm writing for Spartacus there.  They meet at the punch bowl, fight over the punch bowl ladel and Slater just delivers a line that is still epic to this day.

Slater: Let go SON before I make you wear it.

Bruh!  Slater was saying "son" how son is used today, son.  But the ending is goofy and 90's, they pour Kool-Aid over each other, Belding's wig gets in the bowl and Slater and Zack speak like six year olds (Look Preppy you're all wet!) and dap it up forgiving each other.  This was a quite revolutionary event that happened 21 years ago and it made me realize that a girl can really get in the way of the two bestest of friends.  This is when the lyrics of a young poet came to life to me, Girls In The World Ain't Nothin' But Trouble.  The freshest of all princes was correct.

A link to relive this episode:


Saturday, May 18, 2013

List: Ranking The Fast & Furious Series

With the up-and-coming addition to the Fast and Furious series on May 24th, let's look back at the series that made car fanatics everywhere rejoice.  Fast and Furious centers around car racing and avoiding being caught by the law and getting lots of money while doing it, thus the car racing skill comes in handy.  That's pretty much sums up the series, I haven't watched the extended trailer for the recent one yet but I'm pretty sure it's more car racing skills used to avoid people for a large amount of money.  This is what I got from the commercials that are airing now: Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) needs Dom (Vin Diesel) and Brian's (Paul Walker) help even though he chased them around Rio in the the fifth installment and there's a tank and Dom drives through the nose of a plane and Tyrese yelling.  Yeah that's all I got.  TO THE RANKING!!

5. Fast & Furious

I honestly don't remember alot from this one except it that this sets up what the rest of the series is going to look like if they decide to make more.  I didn't really enjoy this one, not really memorable and it's last because I'm pretty sure everyone else just remembered this movie as "the one where everyone returns and go to Mexico for something".  And Brian goes on the run with Dom, Pug Rodriguez dies and that's about it.

4. Tokyo Drift

The one that was a cash grab with Dom showing up at the end that had Bow Wow in it.

This wasn't a terrible movie.  This one introduced drifting, which is a driving technique where the driver intentionally oversteers, causing loss of traction in the rear wheels, while maintaining control from entry to exit of a corner.  (Thanks Wikipedia!)  It also introduced Han who is probably the best character that's been introduced that's not the original four.  This was the last installment where street racing was still a main factor, after this it became about drugs and stealing and driving around the world, or something.  And Han dies but returns for the next installment, thank God.

3. 2 Fast 2 Furious

The one where Tyrese's form of yell acting was introduced to the world.

Dom doesn't return for this one because he had to make the memorable A Man Apart where he grows a goatee.  In this one, Brian O'Connor is on the run after letting Dom escape from the police, he ends up getting caught and has to team up with ex convict (of course) Tyrese (it's Roman but he's always Tyrese in every movie he does).  They have to go undercover as street racers to help transport money for a drug lord.  I remember it for being really colourful from the cars to the Miami setting to Eva Mendes.  It also had one of the better soundtrack songs, "Act A Fool", that's still pretty good to this day but then again, why am I listening to Ludacris in 2013?

2. Fast Five

The one where everyone returns, again, with Dwayne Johnson.

This one was surprisingly good.  Like I had little to no reason to pay this because let's be honest here, there isn't too many movies that can have four sequels and it's still good in quality.  Harry Potter can't still be that great after those kids went through puberty can it?  Much of the same plot from the previous ones: drugs, police, racing, money and Tyrese yelling.  There's a whole lot of "Holy Shit!" moments in this one.  From the beginning train heist scene, Dom vs. Hobbs, the chick from the fourth one in a bikini, the ambush scene and that bank vault destroying the streets of Brazil.  It was a pretty damn good movie.  It ending with them escaping, of course, which sets up the next one Fast 6, but at what point do you say: Okay, enough's enough.  There's already another one in-store with Dwayne Johnson returning and people are still paying to see this. So after Fast 6 will you be lining up to see Fast 7 or Fast Figure 8 or Fast 9: Even More Horsepower or Fast 10: Yep We're Still Driving Around Causing Trouble?

1. The Fast and The Furious

The original one.

Fast & Furious is Point Break with cars.  Brian O'Connor is an undercover cop who infiltrates the underground culture of street racing.  He meets Dom, takes interest in his sister, street racing, the retarded kid gets shot, Asians and the race.  The race that made the series, Dom vs. Brian in a drag race across the train tracks.  It's first because I saw no faults with this one, no it wasn't the greatest movie but it set up one of the top selling movie franchises that has nothing to do with witches, vampires or super heroes.

Editor's Note: (Really me, cause no one else reads this but me) I'm lowkey disappointed that Paul Walker doesn't get more roles.  I swear he doesn't in anything that's not gone straight-to-DVD.  Bobby Z and Running Scared were great movies but went straight-to-DVD so they didn't get noticed.  That's why I'm kinda glad he's going to be starring in Brick Mansions, which would be an awesome name.  It's a remake of the french movie District B13, sure he's an undercover cop, again but it's a role that's doesn't involve car racing.

And Takers was a "so bad it's good" movie.

Friday, May 10, 2013

It's a Bear Eat Monkey World

In life, you're either a bear or a monkey.  A bear, a predator of the wild known to be dangerous if approached.  A monkey, a joyful creature that's said to be the missing link to humans.  What happens when they're both on bicycles entertaining a small arena?  Are you a monkey, the lovable creature seen in such movies as Ed and Every Which Way But Loose or are you a bear and your primal instincts tell you to hop off the damn bicycle and eat the monkey?  In a video posted by Deadspin, a bear and two monkeys race around a track for a large audience in China.  That's all you really need to know because the bear eats the monkey!  It all comes down to what you're born to do.  Sometimes you have to hop off the bike and do what you have to do to please yourself instead of pleasing others.  Or something.

Now when are you going to eat the monkey?  That sounds dirty but does everyone know the "other" meaning of monkey?  I don't know what some people know and what others don't unless I bring it up.  I'll keep it safe, when are you going to hop off the bike and do what you're born to do?

SN: What's more shocking, a bear eating a monkey or a bear riding a bicycle?  You tell me.  I'll wait.