Saturday, May 9, 2015

I Should Have Been A Drug Dealer

No really.  I should have sold drugs when I was younger.  Think about it: you can set your own rules, you can meet and greet customers wherever you want and you can set your own hours; it sounds like the dream job.  Your clientele varies because everyone of all races, sex and class need and do drugs.  Drug dealing is pretty much a bar.  It's almost like an episode of Cheers.  You have your regulars like Norm and Cliff who come to you for their needed taste and you'll meet new clients who are looking for the perfect drug dealer to supply them with what they need.

They are your drugs, you can sell to whomever and whenever you like.  If you're a morning person, you can sell em before your clients go to work or school and right when they get off of the night shift.  You can sell in the morning like Nike releases.  Or you can sell them at night while you enjoy the night sky.  You can be a traveling drug dealer, enjoying the sights and sounds of the city as your drop off narcotics to your needed customers.  May be a hassle depending on gas prices going from location to location but it's your drugs so you set your hours and locations.  Or post up in your own territory, like a lemonade stand.

And the women.  Drug dealers always seem to get the girls.  At first they're reluctant to deal with a man that sells water, powder or pills to an untapped market of customers.  But they usually find they're way around it.  That drug money changes everything when it's in your possession.  Drug money buys nice suits, buys a round of drinks for you and your workers, buys you new vehicles, buys you a new address in a better part of town.  Drug money will literally change your life.  As Al Pacino said in one of his his most confusing accents in one of his most overrated movies: First you get the money, then you get the power and then you get the women.

You will literally live the life of Gucci Mane lyrics.  You'll be living lavish with your gambling house looking like Caesar's Palace.  You'll be able to buy whatever you like.  Cars, clothes, luxurious nonsense like a speedboat or toy helicopters.  I hate the water but I'd love to have a jet ski in my bedroom holding up my SLP biker pants and Versace shirts fresh from the cleaners.  And of course a business to launder money in, can't look like a rich kid from Instagram when no one knows what you do.  Saul taught me that.  Not to mention, you're living a pretty stress free life.  Don't have to worry about bills, making rent or where you're next meal is coming from.  The drug life seems like a relaxing paradise.  Even if you're not the flashy types you don't want to let all that drug money go to waste.  Buy a watch, some new shoes at least.  Don't want to fuck up some commas while you're looking like Jesse Pinkman.

Now obviously I'm ignoring the risks of being a drug dealer.  Like the fact they you're selling poison to people in your neighbourhood, slowly killing the people you see on the daily, weighing heavy on your conscience.  Being robbed of your product and cash, once you've grown in popularity people will get jealous and envious.  Taking you for your cash will be a hit to your ego and wallet.  And of course, being arrested.  Drug tasks forces always keep their ear to the streets and Noisey/Vice documentaries on your favourite rappers that are far superior to some old boy band.

But hey, a full time job is good too.  I guess.