Saturday, January 25, 2014

A Post About Titties

Boobies, tits, jugs, hooters, knockers, chesticles, melons, tiddays, funbags, whatever you like to call them, breasts are an amazing sight.  And should be admired when a nice set crosses your path.  That's why this post is amply named: A Post About Titties (because someone on Twitter requested it).

They are soft, they feel nice on our chest when we hug, they are snugly on our face, they are mushy on the lower portions of our body, they're the cause of eyes to divert, they may even cause wars, they help in persuading a man into adding more to a waitress' tip showing cleavage, they look great in slow motion, they are usually the second thing we notice on women after seeing their beautiful faces.  Wait, this post is about titties.  Who am I impressing?

They come in various sizes, some small, some perky, some real small.  Perky ones are fruitful, like bite size candy.  The real small ones are also called mosquito bites.  Besides the nipple, they don't really poke out but a gal sporting them can wear whatever she wants and it'll look good.  Real good.  Extremely good.  Crop tops, low cut v necks, those tops with the stretched neck over the shoulder?  You know those ones?  Yeah, they look good in those.  But she could also go topless and be one of the guys, they're so small.

There's big breasts.  Jugs, just knapsacks of milk.  I'll always remember seeing my first pair of big breasts, at the age of 7-9 years old.  Don't worry, I was creeping through the small hole in the wall like Porky's and I wasn't being seduced or touched by some cougar.  Myself and a few guys were hanging around the monkey bars with some girls, one of those girls was named Ashley.  Best way to describe Ashley was ratchet or just really really loud.  She had a younger sister, Alana, just as loud maybe even louder but she was ratchet.  Got into fights, yelling matches teachers, she was a loose cannon.  It's hard to remember what the events prior to the big reveal was but it was a memorable one.  Ashley was at the center of the sphere dome climber and she lifted her shirt up.

My goodness.  At that age, I wasn't ready.  I was not ready to see those Sunny D's to splash me in the face like that.  At that age, I was still trying to figure out the science of Pogs.  I was thinking: I'm too young for this!  And because at that age, pre-internet, I still had a "girls are kinda yucky" mentality.  But yet, I was still crushing hard for Vanna White when I watched Wheel of Fortune.  I was so confused.  So I just turned and walked away in disgust, so did the other boys.  She did it twice btw.

Then there's the sad breasts, the droopy breasts.  Big and small.  The ones that look like old hot dog buns at the back of the fridge.  The ones that just hang like drool from a dog.  The ones all bruised like a UFC fighter after a three round slobberknocker (hehe, slobberknockers).  The ones that aren't even proportioned right, looking like they'd fit perfecting on the scale of the Libra horoscope.  The ones that reach a woman's bellybutton, with a bra on.  The ones that look like they can be draped over like a scarf.  The ones that look like boxing gloves hanging around a boxer's neck.  I'd hate to be too harsh but I'm looking out for you by saying get those puppies need to be reduced.  Don't want you to hurt someone when you're with your spouse or in the showers at a gym.

Nice breasts are almost hard to come by and hard to define.  Men have their preferences and typically don't always agree when it comes to certain body types, including breasts.  But I think the perfect breasts would be a B or a C, a breast that has that water balloon bounce to them, that Kirby float in a small t-shirt look to them, that tear drop curve to them.  But that's just my guess, I think men can all agree they want what's just right for them.  On some Goldilocks shit.

In all honesty, I'm not that big of a breast man*.  Breasts can easily be altered to look bigger than they're perceived to be.  Push-up bras.  Implants.  It's easy spot a fake set (sometimes, most times).  Some girls get bad implant jobs, ends up looking like a full bag of garbage.  Easiest way to spot them are breasts are flat on top, anything spherical and they've had help of a doctor or a great purchase at VS.  But I do love him, so do most men.  We definitely appreciate them and use many many adjectives to describe them.  Supple,  sweet, luscious, glorious, bountiful, ample, big ol' titties but I think most men want to give a Dave Chappelle reaction when they see a great set.

* - For those wondering, I'm more of a man that likes proportion, not really hour glass shape but I prefer if everything goes together.  If her breasts are big, hopefully the butt is too.  If she lacks in one area, I'm hoping she makes up for it in other areas.  But the breasts are a toss up for me. No breasts?  Let's hope she as a butt or some legs.  I'm just being honest.