Saturday, December 14, 2013

I Used To Have NERF Dreams

All I ever wanted as an adolescent was a NERF gun.

I was pulled in by the excited faces of the preteens.  The joy in their eye as they shot each stream of water, ball, foam dart, plastic disc out of their NERF gun, I wanted it.  Desired it.  I did have one of the small footballs.  But with my moms objection to guns in the house, I was never blessed with one.

Throughout the years, I've always adorn watching  the commercials.  They've made it more up-to-date, making everything more "dark/edgy" and less "rad".  They've moved away from the open fields, seamlessly clean empty warehouses and kids dressed like Cory Matthews and Shawn Hunter to a futuristic military setting with teens dressed like they're sponsored by Under Armour and with a new line of guns, N-Strike Elite.

Nothing stays the something, we all grow up, the leaves turn, people change, people outgrow things, Carrot Top stays ripped, of course they were going to re-brand NERF into something more cool for younger generations to get into so they're parents would fork out money for their child to have fun.  It's expected.  What I liked when I was 10, I probably - most definitely - won't like when I'm 24 but I still have a thing for NERF.  That's why for Christmas, I'm buying myself a NERF gun.  I always wanted one, my mom could careless what type of artillery I bring in the household and I can afford one.

A NERF gun shall be mine come the 25th.

Sidenote:  One thing I very surprised at is why there was never any TV program created to sell NERF toys.  Power Rangers was made to sell toys, Captain Power sold interactive toys, then the toy companies just made series to sell toys: Barbie, My Little Pony, Hot Wheels, Transformers, the list goes on.  

You're telling me there couldn't be a 30 minute TV show about preteens in the summer competing in a NERF tournament, which includes an underdog team of misfits who just made qualified but one of their members comes down to an illness, so they recruit a shady mysterious kid who is surprisingly good with a NERF gun even though he told them his parents could never afford one so he never got to try one out, but they go far in the tournament, meeting their school rivals on the way there, meanwhile the rival's girlfriend starts falling for the TJ Detweiler/leader of this underdog team, making the rival much more jealous and angry and they end up meeting in the finals, that's being televised (because lol the dial-up internet in 1993) across America and when each member of the other team (presumably) is out, it comes down to the underdog TJ Detweiler and his rival, let's call him Sebastian because that sounds rich and douchy enough and they have a stand off like in the old westerns and each one fires at the count of three but the credits are rolling as they give small speeches to each other, so we never get to see who won the match because they left us hanging until the next season and then years later bastard writers would try and theorize ideas that that mysterious kid was really a psychopath because we never saw his parents throughout the show and he got real antsy when asked about them and when he said he doesn't know how to use a NERF gun when in fact he has used one because he killed his family and is a runaway from another city and childhood memories are ruined because it's the same person who wrote about that Rugrats theory that I choose not to mention/hyperlink because it's like saying Voldemort's name in the Harry Potter universe but you can't help but say fuck you internet for ruining the show for me but you still love it because it was a great program and a bought a bunch of toys based on the show.

I mean, it's just a thought.

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